Driving the Next First Lady, by Jeffrey Veen

Driving the Next First Lady

"You have one job," Bryan told me. "Follow the Secret Service van as close as you can all day. But, um, don't hit them."

We were on the tarmac at SFO waiting for Teresa Heinz Kerry's plane to touch down. She was attending a couple of fundraising events and Bryan was the lead advance organizer for the day (he does this occasionally, in addition to running our company, coordinating our events, and never sleeping.) He asked if I'd help out, and I jumped at the chance. Especially when I found out I'd get to be driving the staff van.

The plane rolled up to our motorcade, the candidate's wife and all her people dashed into various vehicles, and we all sped off onto the freeway. It was a blast. Although we didn't have a police escort, we really didn't bother obeying many traffic laws, either. The dark Town Car and Suburban of the Secret Service would flash their hidden police lights and tear across the lanes of traffic. And I hung on at the end of the line driving as fast as I could. Apparently the staff is quite used to this, as they kept encouraging me to drive faster, faster, faster. We were having a lot of fun.

At one intersection, my van bogged down a bit for some reason when the light turned green, and a 15 yard gap opened up between us and the Service Suburban. It was just enough room for a young guy in a sports car to dart in between us. I stomped on the accelerator, swerved around him into oncoming traffic, then pinched the van back behind the Suburban. It felt a little reckless to me, but the staff applauded my aggressive move.

The young man did not. He flashed his lights, honked his horn, and darted up next to us. I glanced over at him and it appeared as if his head were about to explode as he screamed all manner of obscenities at us. I was still racing to catch the Secret Service, and now he was too. The Trip Director sitting next to me was editing Ms. Heinz Kerry's comments on her laptop, talking on her cell phone, and yelling over to me, "You're doing great! Faster! Faster!"

At the next intersection, I had a lead on the lunatic in the sports car. Everyone hit their brakes, I did too, and skidded into the back of the Suburban. ("You have one job..." echoing in my head.) Mr. Sportscar decided it was time for action. He let us know that we were not taking his place in line, no matter what, and nudged his car into the van and started rocking us back and forth. At this point, the woman next to me said, "Um, yeah, better let him know that he's about to have a really, really, bad day."

I rolled down my window to a barrage of obscenities and said, "Please back up right now. Please." I was pleading with him. More obscenities. Extreme road rage.

"Really. You have to back up. That's the Secret Service and you're making a very bad mistake right now."

"Secret Service?" he screamed. "Oh, c'mon! Kiss my..."

And then all the sirens and lights and everything came on all at once. He froze, mouth open, gawking at what he now realized was a motorcade. He looked back at me, slammed his car into reverse, and was gone. The staff was really laughing now.

Afterwards, over a beer, I told Bryan that the hardest part of the whole day wasn't the confrontation. No, the hardest part is getting back on the highway and having to follow the laws now. I had Legal Jackass status for a day, and I already miss it.

This entry was written by Jeffrey Veen and posted 7 June 2004 at 8:38 AM. It was filed under Personal.

Comments

1. On 7 June 2004 at 10:06 AM Gordon wrote:

Awesome. What fun.

I think everyone should be allowed Legal Jackass status for a day. Unfortunately a lot of road users already think they have!

2. On 7 June 2004 at 10:19 AM Chris wrote:

NICE...that's a story you tell the grandkids about.

3. On 7 June 2004 at 10:26 AM thom wrote:

I need to see a recreation of the incident in that new Gran Tourismo 4 european edition...

4. On 7 June 2004 at 5:35 PM John Dowdell wrote:

I live in the Haight-Ashbury, and a couple people were shot down there this weekend.

If you're a TVIP (Temporarily Very Important Person) then it's good to advertise it up front, rather than spring it on people after the fact, 'cause they might already be seeing themselves as VIPs and not realize your temporary higher status, and take righteous umbrage at you not knowing your place. It can get dangerous unless they clearly see at all times that you are markedly superior.

(Or, y'know, you could just treat other people as equals too, and resist the staffers' reality, that's still an option, I hope.... ;-)

5. On 7 June 2004 at 7:52 PM Robert Cassidy wrote:

Yeah, I live in the LA area, and there are a few places that the behavior described above has a non-trivial probability of having a firearm pointed in your direction from the #2 lane.

Does the Secret Service keep the fuck-off plates on their motorcade, or do they even spring that after the fact?

6. On 8 June 2004 at 5:49 AM Brendon Carr wrote:

It's comforting to see that the outside fundraisers and staff assistants to the candidate's wife share the same "Don't you know who I *am*?!" sense of entitlement as the candidate himself.

7. On 8 June 2004 at 10:55 AM Kris Leslie wrote:

Jeff that was extremely funny. I wish that I to had the opportunity however here in Birmingham, AL we get that all day. Its not uncommmon to see a wreck or two or ten on the way home with crazy language being spewed. Jeff take a pat on the back and remember this one for the grand kids!

8. On 9 June 2004 at 11:30 AM matthew wrote:

i must wonder.. did you actually hit the suburban?

"skidded into the suburban"?

hell, that's my dream right there haha.

9. On 10 June 2004 at 7:36 AM Terry Tolleson wrote:

What a great read!

Driving The Staff Van: $300 tax payer dollars/hour
Disregard Of Traffic Laws: $1,250 in potential fines
Wreckless Endangerment: Incalculable $-amount/Incurred wrath of others
Getting Paid To Do It: Priceless

Alternative:
Lighting Up A Road-rager With SS Cherries: Priceless

10. On 10 June 2004 at 11:56 PM Terrac wrote:

I believe that the germans have a good idea with the Autobahn. Drive as fast as you like, but don't be unsafe. I think that while I am driving fast more of my attention is taken away from what is immediately in front of me because I am worried about seeing the bubble-gums light up in my rear view. I know that if I did not have to worry about getting pulled over for speed then I would definately have more attention to avoid mistakes.

11. On 13 June 2004 at 4:35 PM Zac wrote:

Brilliant, Veen, Brilliant. We could use a man like you in Athens. Hope you are well

12. On 14 June 2004 at 8:33 AM Matt wrote:

I earned my legal jackass status in college when I mistakenly drove a motel shuttle van full of Secret Service agents up a dark, foggy private road that was definitely NOT the way to their work site. I apologized and turned around, but I didn't make any friends that night.

At least not until I picked up the shift they were relieving and went out of my way so they could buy beer, strawberry Quik, beef jerky, and chips. They were much more jolly than their colleagues. They even quipped about what a lousy time this would be for someone to stick up the convenience store.

13. On 14 June 2004 at 4:17 PM hillary wrote:

That's hilarious. Nice work. :)

14. On 16 June 2004 at 7:09 AM Nicola wrote:

I drove the CBS news team in a presidential motorcade in 98. Went out drinking with the advance team until about 3am that morning, had the worst hangover of my life. Met the president later that day, he gave me a look like he knew what I was up to the night before. All in all a great time, highly recommend the experience.