Girl’s Life

The day we get to celebrate your first year of life is finally here! And what a year it’s been. I really don’t know where to start, except to say that man, I am so glad that you’re a year old today and not just a few hours old, like 12 months ago at this time. I was freaked out — a newbie with no experience under my belt! I mean, I read the owner’s manual (about a dozen of them, actually), but reading about what to do with you at 3:00am when you just won’t stop crying or why your poop looks like that or how to increase my milk supply is one thing. Actually getting my hands dirty and figuring it out by trial and error is something else altogether. You were so little and needy, and I had to quickly learn how to meet your every need. No pressure, right?

I know I always talk about how much you change from month to month, but I, too, have become a completely different person. I can’t believe how much meeting you has changed me, softened me, made me realize my priorities in a new way. Everything matters more now. Tragedies in the world are that much more devastating. Country music makes me that much weepier.

Tonight as we went through our nighttime ritual of bathing, reading, nursing and snuggling, I didn’t want to put you down and have the moment end. I just held you and stared at you. Your beautiful long lashes, little puckered lips, chubby pink cheeks, cute button nose — to me, perfect. Yes, you have an imperfect moment from time to time, like the pissed off fits you’ve been throwing on your changing table lately (we’ve dubbed it the alligator death roll) or the dog feeding frenzy that you’ve instated at mealtimes (your willful way of protesting a meal that’s not yogurt or cheese). But you are overall an amazingly sweet kid. You are full of spirit and life, and you have me laughing hysterically daily and chuckling to myself often at work when I think of your stand-up comic routine you’re about ready to take on the road.

But back to last year…I’d like to say that the first thing I thought when they handed me the bundle of you after you entered the world is something sweet and sentimental about recognizing myself in your eyes. But honestly, my first response when I met you was more of a double take. Wait — who is this? This baby has black hair and squinty eyes! Seriously, how did she get in there?? But as we got to know each other, your personality started coming out and I knew there was no mistake. You were definitely my child. The laughing and goofiness, the erratic sleep schedule, the love of accessories, the need for attention. Yep, that’s my girl, alright.

We’ve come a long way since our first meeting a year ago. Our goal as your parents has always been to raise you thoughtfully and intentionally. Your daddy and I have learned that doing that takes effort, especially as we have struggled this year with decisions about me returning to work and daddy starting a new business. Despite chaotic circumstances at times, we’re making every effort to raise you to be a compassionate, sincere and caring person.

A year later, I now know the fierceness of a mother’s love, which can be frightening at times. It’s amazing the capacity the heart has to love so deeply. Watching you fall asleep tonight made me cry — a little from sadness at leaving this tender stage of your life behind, a little from the sweet look of your innocence and a little with excitement and anticipation of all the cool things that are just around the corner for you.

I never imagined how much fun it would be to be your mama, and I’m glad I’m writing it all down, from blogging in the delivery room, to writing my thoughts to you here now as a sort of unconventional baby book for you to look back on someday. We’ve had quite a year of learning — rolling, sitting, eating, crawling, standing, communicating — and there’s a lot more ahead of us. I can’t wait to see what crazy adventures are in store for us this next year! And just to demonstrate how far we’ve come in one year, I leave you with a little before and after photo for your enjoyment (first one taken 3 days before you were born, second one taken tonight at your birthday dinner).

Here’s to many more laughs and wonderful memories. Happy birthday, my beautiful baby girl!